Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
