i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
