I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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