My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
