Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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