I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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