Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
