Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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