happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
