How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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