I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
