Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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