He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
