my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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