this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize