He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize