Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
