the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize