Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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