i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
