I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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