non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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