Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
