I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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