she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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