when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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