that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
