you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
