I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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