got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
