fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
