So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
