New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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