i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I look better un-naked...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
