She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
