I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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