She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
