I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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