I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
