I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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