dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
