Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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