She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
