note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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