i used baking grease as lip gloss
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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