she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
