the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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