you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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