I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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