Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
