im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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