i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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