After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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