Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it hurts more in the daytime
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
