next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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