I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
