did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize