hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A bitchslap is in order.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
