I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize