I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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