I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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