Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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