I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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