How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
