Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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